I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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