dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I deserve to be covered in dicks
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
