I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
