I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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