Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
