does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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