Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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