i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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