this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
