update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
