never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
