Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
