We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
