dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
