Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
