Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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