if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
