Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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