Welp...herpes.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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