Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
