I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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