The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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