the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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