you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
