i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
