Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
