I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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