i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
