yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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