College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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