Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
