I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize