Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize