no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
