So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
