i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
bring money and cleavage
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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