cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
