Kareoke will never be a sober sport
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
