I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
