My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
