if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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