I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
