we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
