I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
