My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
