I think my fart just growled at me.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
