Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
