To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
