um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
