i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
