I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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