At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
