i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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