I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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