i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
