I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
