Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
