we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Houston, we have a blender
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
