Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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