Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Are my feet made of real feet?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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