R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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